Life For Dummies

I feel resolved about relatively little in life. I think it's because I refuse to accept that I don't know much. I'm sure this has been said in a different way before but I had a thought today that

I'm only making time to earn & spend money when I should be only earning money to spend more time working on my spiritual & physical relationships.

I'm growing up by force and it hurts a bunch. I'm doing my best to find out what it is I'm actually supposed to be doing with my life. Some people feel as if I've hit the nail right on the head by creating music.

The more I learn about music and the more I learn about myself, is the more I disagree with those people and with the inner voice that has encouraged me to run at it for the last 30 years of my life. I don't have ANY memories without me being an active maker of music. I could never describe what music actually means to me. I've Sacrificed Everything Willingly to continue my pursuit of being a) the best musician I can be, b) making the best music I have the ability to make. c) NOTHING LESS.

That's what I S.E.W.ed what will I reap?

Who gets the benefit of the sacrifice? I'm not sure. (CBD) I thought it was me! --Bell Biv DeVoe

Umm...
It's not though. My family benefitting from music? Some say yes, most would say no if I told more of my business. God benefit? Please. Do you benefit from my sacrifice? I hear from a few people a day and I meet people when I go out to perform. Maybe there are a few out there. But I wouldn't do this just for you if I didn't get enough out of it would I? I love you guys, but being honest, I'm not that deep to sacrifice myself for you. Seriously. It may sound cool, but I do need to get "enough" out of this sacrifice.

My brother and I had a long conversation today about one of our mother's phrases..."Total Surrender".

She was always talking about her family's total surrender to Jesus Christ. I wish I could make my mother proud in her grave right now and proclaim to be totally surrendered to Jesus Christ, but that is not the case. I haven't had that experience. I've had the experience of being totally surrendered to music and I can't tell you with any honesty that I'm pleased with the results. Did I make a choice? If yes, how have I stuck with it so long? I have gone back on my word regarding FAR less important choices in my life.

At this time I can only surmise there is an ego and a type of pride inside of me that helps me endure the sacrifice itself. In my mind I have nothing to prove nor reason to continue, yet I move forward. Ego and Pride can't be the single driving force. I'm doing my best to come up with more 'forces', but those are the only things I can think of off the top of the dome.